I am unwilling to write these past months. I am in doubt of everything. Ultimately, I have become socially awkward as I refuse the world around me. I retire to traveling in the farmlands and lost all sense of time. I am healthier and happier in touch with nature, instead of crowding together in cities. I have tried to live in big cities but I end up seeking the poor and simple people, who know nothing about the quarrels of the world and whose cares are only for the thousands of people they provide when the harvest season comes. Whenever I come back to the little city I reside in I become all the more judging and more hateful. I grow this resentment to people who post different characters in social media or people who have the privilege of changing their own poverty or ignorance but determined not to learn, then there are those who do absolutely nothing, passive and plain crazy, and those who think that the only important thing is their own personal opinion and neglect the learned people around them.
It tires me. Each day I am learning to keep quiet and hope to God that I understand them and never belittle them. Goodness, please. I always pray: let my face be steady and never lift a brow. I am no better than these people. I am also attracted to the same light.
In this process of change, I deeply cherish the solitude in my four in the morning runs, in the solitude that good books bring. I have come across men and women who have worked behind the scenes. They have kept a world of their own and live for the generations to come. It’s like the farmers in the fields who feed thousands. No promotion, just pure good hard work. They connect to one’s own individual labor rather than striving to achieve recognition in a hypocritical city society.
In Matt Mahoney’s words: in this world of relentless self-promotion, we’ve all been raised to think that the limelight is the only light worth seeking. This isn’t the case. Nowadays, achievements are often anonymous. Some of the greatest things have been done by people you have never heard of, quietly dedicating their lives to improving your own.
But at the same time, I have to learn to use my voice to fight for what is right and just at an appropriate time, to use my voice in disagreement but never to dishonor or to divide, especially when I have the privilege to have a non-political/non-issue existence. I shouldn’t forget that a lot of people are fighting for their lives and safety.
So I guess that’s why sincerity, truthfulness, steadiness, common sense, generosity, composure, waiting, reading, faith, love, etc., are all unseen and all the more vital in the world we live in.