When I See The Limelight

I am unwilling to write these past months. I am in doubt of everything. Ultimately, I have become socially awkward as I refuse the world around me. I retire to traveling in the farmlands and lost all sense of time. I am healthier and happier in touch with nature, instead of crowding together in cities. I have tried to live in big cities but I end up seeking the poor and simple people, who know nothing about the quarrels of the world and whose cares are only for the thousands of people they provide when the harvest season comes. Whenever I come back to the little city I reside in I become all the more judging and more hateful. I grow this resentment to people who post different characters in social media or people who have the privilege of changing their own poverty or ignorance but determined not to learn, then there are those who do absolutely nothing, passive and plain crazy, and those who think that the only important thing is their own personal opinion and neglect the learned people around them.

It tires me. Each day I am learning to keep quiet and hope to God that I understand them and never belittle them. Goodness, please. I always pray: let my face be steady and never lift a brow.  I am no better than these people. I am also attracted to the same light.

In this process of change, I deeply cherish the solitude in my four in the morning runs, in the solitude that good books bring. I have come across men and women who have worked behind the scenes. They have kept a world of their own and live for the generations to come. It’s like the farmers in the fields who feed thousands. No promotion, just pure good hard work. They connect to one’s own individual labor rather than striving to achieve recognition in a hypocritical city society.

In Matt Mahoney’s words: in this world of relentless self-promotion, we’ve all been raised to think that the limelight is the only light worth seeking. This isn’t the case. Nowadays, achievements are often anonymous. Some of the greatest things have been done by people you have never heard of, quietly dedicating their lives to improving your own.

But at the same time, I have to learn to use my voice to fight for what is right and just at an appropriate time, to use my voice in disagreement but never to dishonor or to divide, especially when I have the privilege to have a non-political/non-issue existence. I shouldn’t forget that a lot of people are fighting for their lives and safety.

So I guess that’s why sincerity, truthfulness, steadiness, common sense, generosity, composure, waiting, reading, faith, love, etc., are all unseen and all the more vital in the world we live in.

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At present

We were so young when the damage took place. We were so young we couldn’t understand the higher meaning of imposed rules and regulations. We were so young we look stupid and those who call themselves wise didn’t realize it destroyed how we will live in the coming years. Each day I have lived with a heart from broken relationships and no matter how much I salvage what was left, there was no fixative to put them back together. And so the only thing to do was to leave it all alone, away from the memories. It took 3 long years to forget. Those who were damaged were left behind. Those who knew what was going on were replaced and forgotten.

Today I met one of those people. Someone who has been scarred above it all. Nobody, nobody was tender and trusting as she was; but all those qualities were gone now. Standing in front of me were resilience and a good kind of distrust.

We must abandon completely the notion of blaming the past for any kind of situation we are in. The present is always changing. It is the same as forgiving someone. Bring only what you can always carry with you – a beautiful memory as a traveling bag. She has chosen well.

There are in this world blessed souls, whose sorrows all spring up into joys for others; whose earthly hopes, laid in the grave with many tears, are the seed from which spring healing flowers and balm for the desolate and the distressed. -Harriet Beecher Stowe

There is a God

There is a God who ruleth over the heavens and over the earth; and he is boundless with space, and everlasting with time; and he is sublime with the sky, and he twinkleth with the star; and he smileth with the sun, and he beameth with the moon; and he floateth with the cloud, and he saileth with the wind; he flasheth with the lightning, and resoundeth with the thunder, he heaveth with the sea, and he dasheth with the surf; he floweth with the river, and he rusheth with the torrent; he babbleth with the brook, and he sparkleth with the dew-drop; he reposeth with the landscape, and he laugheth with the meadow; he waveth with the tree, and he quivereth with the leaf; he singeth with the bird, and he buzzeth with the bee; he roareth with the lion, and he pranceth with the steed; he crawleth with the worm, and he soareth with the eagle; he darteth with the porpoise, and he diveth with the fish; he dwelleth with the loving, and he pleadeth with the hating; he shineth with the merciful, and he aspireth with the prayerful. He is ever nigh unto men,— he, the Prince of Light!

Tolstoy, Leo. LEO TOLSTOY – The Ultimate Short Stories Collection: 120+ Titles in One Volume (World Classics Series): The Kreutzer Sonata, The Forged Coupon, Hadji Murad, … Tsar, Fables and Stories for Children.

From the rain

Try to learn to breath deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep, really sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive.

Ernest Hemingway

It was so refreshing to run this morning with the rain pouring down on me. I wanted to experience each drop, together and apart, same and different. I can feel it on my hair, hitting my face and my arms, mixing with the fresh sweat of the early morning flurry. It reminded of my childhood when my cousins and I brave the same pouring rain. I remember playing in the neighbor’s gutter and jumping on puddles with hearts full of laughter and the utter joy of thinking nothing. For a moment there was no need to rush, no need to bring out something best, no need to be someone but myself. How beautiful it is to be a child again.

Time is the only thing that we can’t reproduce. The earth can produce and be clean again; even money can be gained, trust and respect can be earned, but time – time is different. Each minute can’t be recreated. We can’t go back to this minute. And that second that just passed.

With all the work, all the transitions, the challenges, the changes, and this unknown that I need to go through, I do not want time to give me wealth, power, respect, attention, luxury, or even security. I want time to give me value, progress, good conversations,  and the life from cultivating relationships. I want time to give me a home with someone to love, with someone to hold, with someone who remembers and tell stories of beautiful memories such as this.

Rin

But the worst of all was getting my heart broken.I miss you, Rin. I wish nothing but the best for you.

When you get older you have those moments of flashbacks. Your friendship was one of the best things I ever had. I didn’t know how I grew up without you and how I bore all these changes without your laughter. You were my sister, the best one, the one who made me kind and bearable. Your company had been my greatest comfort. Tonight I remember this side of you who always looks after people and always sees the best in them.You are always faithful however unpleasant some treat you.

I remember that day when I was starving, depressed, and penniless you were the only one who noticed. You always tell me that there were guardian angels to help us, and that I should not let hatred spoil me. I hope I was able to tell you that you are an angel, clothed in flesh.

If you are reading this I hope you’ll know that you are still our friend, our greatest one, and that each day we think of you. Never mind the silence, Rin. Never mind those things called past. Just remember that all we have is love for you. Always have loved you.