There is a God

Tags

, , ,

There is a God who ruleth over the heavens and over the earth; and he is boundless with space, and everlasting with time; and he is sublime with the sky, and he twinkleth with the star; and he smileth with the sun, and he beameth with the moon; and he floateth with the cloud, and he saileth with the wind; he flasheth with the lightning, and resoundeth with the thunder, he heaveth with the sea, and he dasheth with the surf; he floweth with the river, and he rusheth with the torrent; he babbleth with the brook, and he sparkleth with the dew-drop; he reposeth with the landscape, and he laugheth with the meadow; he waveth with the tree, and he quivereth with the leaf; he singeth with the bird, and he buzzeth with the bee; he roareth with the lion, and he pranceth with the steed; he crawleth with the worm, and he soareth with the eagle; he darteth with the porpoise, and he diveth with the fish; he dwelleth with the loving, and he pleadeth with the hating; he shineth with the merciful, and he aspireth with the prayerful. He is ever nigh unto men,— he, the Prince of Light!

Tolstoy, Leo. LEO TOLSTOY – The Ultimate Short Stories Collection: 120+ Titles in One Volume (World Classics Series): The Kreutzer Sonata, The Forged Coupon, Hadji Murad, … Tsar, Fables and Stories for Children.

From the rain

Tags

, , , , ,

Try to learn to breath deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep, really sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive.

Ernest Hemingway

It was so refreshing to run this morning with the rain pouring down on me. I wanted to experience each drop, together and apart, same and different. I can feel it on my hair, hitting my face and my arms, mixing with the fresh sweat of the early morning flurry. It reminded of my childhood when my cousins and I brave the same pouring rain. I remember playing in the neighbor’s gutter and jumping on puddles with hearts full of laughter and the utter joy of thinking nothing. For a moment there was no need to rush, no need to bring out something best, no need to be someone but myself. How beautiful it is to be a child again.

Time is the only thing that we can’t reproduce. The earth can produce and be clean again; even money can be gained, trust and respect can be earned, but time – time is different. Each minute can’t be recreated. We can’t go back to this minute. And that second that just passed.

With all the work, all the transitions, the challenges, the changes, and this unknown that I need to go through, I do not want time to give me wealth, power, respect, attention, luxury, or even security. I want time to give me value, progress, good conversations,  and the life from cultivating relationships. I want time to give me a home with someone to love, with someone to hold, with someone who remembers and tell stories of beautiful memories such as this.

Rin

But the worst of all was getting my heart broken.I miss you, Rin. I wish nothing but the best for you.

When you get older you have those moments of flashbacks. Your friendship was one of the best things I ever had. I didn’t know how I grew up without you and how I bore all these changes without your laughter. You were my sister, the best one, the one who made me kind and bearable. Your company had been my greatest comfort. Tonight I remember this side of you who always looks after people and always sees the best in them.You are always faithful however unpleasant some treat you.

I remember that day when I was starving, depressed, and penniless you were the only one who noticed. You always tell me that there were guardian angels to help us, and that I should not let hatred spoil me. I hope I was able to tell you that you are an angel, clothed in flesh. 

If you are reading this I hope you’ll know that you are still our friend, our greatest one, and that each day we think of you. Never mind the silence, Rin. Never mind those things called past. Just remember that all we have is love for you. Always have loved you.

 

Anthurium

Tags

, , , ,

So many people. So many people everywhere. So many restaurants. Crowded sidewalks. A broadening city. The noonday sun left a smell. Women in sheath dresses and stylish sandals. Teenagers wearing headphones. Men in workout clothes. Food carts.  The coolness of the night air is settling in. So many languages moving through the air.

I am thinking of you and the bright colors of the anthuriums in your garden during summer. I am thinking of the coffee, of the pillows and baskets, of the trees that we made from our hands. I reminisce the sound of your voice and the times I sat next to you in your favorite chair. I miss your smile and the thoughts you share.

I asked my Uncle what was his most special memory of you and like me, he couldn’t think of just one. So I had to ask again about the very first thing that came into his mind: “Your grandmother saved a lot of lives by giving her time. She was the only nurse and was treated as a midwife and a doctor in our hometown that had close to 15,000 people.”

I don’t know how I am living without you, Mamala. I miss you so dearly. How I wish you are here with me, with us, with the family. Holidays are empty without you. Christmas is difficult.

It was that long dress printed with bright orange, yellow, and green flowers you wore on the day I left. I wish heaven is like that for you. Somewhere all beautiful flowers and the sweet scents are seen. Somewhere kindness is felt and the memories of the family’s Christmas stories are found. Without the tears.

Some things to say at 27

Tags

, , , , ,

I am one of the people in my generation who is not so happy about employment and no matter how much I earn it doesn’t really make sense. I want to do something else – to run, to climb mountains, to swim in a river, a lake, in different seas, to go to places. But the thought of not having a job scares me and of not being able to help someone or of being the dependent scares me more. I am not happy with what I do. I want to quit for most of the same reasons this generation has. Like you, I am also worried that I don’t match to the ideals that I’ve set myself, and there’s a thousand million things I’d rather be doing.

But I don’t quit. I don’t quit every single day, when I wake up and want to. I didn’t quit while working with people backstabbing like wildfire, while eating cold pizza when I’ve worked out all week and looking at some of my friends travelling photos on Facebook, while having too many email pop-ups, missed calls, scheduled meetings resulting a 2-hour sleep every day for two weeks. I don’t quit even if people think I am not good enough or they make me feel stupid or say I am. I don’t quit when my superiors don’t deliver what they had to do at the most necessary time.

Wanting to quit is okay. Wanting to walk away from something that doesn’t make me happy is okay. One of these days I will, but first let me learn resilience. In discomfort and hardship I learned to quiet my heart after some crying, to stop complaining,  to choose to end the feeling of misery, and to excel despite doing things I don’t like. The older I get, I want to stop focusing on how I appear, how I look to others, what crowds think, and focus instead on getting really good at whatever responsibility God has given me now. Let me learn to live even if it’s uncomfortable and unnecessary.

So here I am getting up at four in the morning. A very lovely morning where the city’s streets are usually deserted, providing a space for thinking. I am waiting for the stars to disappear and it such a beautiful cold morning.

I’m reading Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe:

“It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.”